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2010-02-27

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The following is a KSCO commentary. Here is Kay Zwerling:

Breaking news: Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike shortly.

They are in dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the Afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Quaida management have so far failed to produce any agreement.

The unrest began last week when Al Quaida announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this month, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the Afterlife.

 

The Suicide Bombers Union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdul Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We do not ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins, but pointed out that the cutback was expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by the management.

 

Last Christmas Abu Hanza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins complained Amir, and you can be sure they will all be pretty ones, too. How can Al Quaida afford that for members of the management, but not 72 for the people who do the real work?

Al Quaida Chief Executive Osama Bin Laden explained "We sympathize with our workers’ concerns, but Al Quaida is simply not in the position to meet their demands. Thanks to western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the Afterlife. I do not like cutting wages, but I would hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they will not be able to blow themselves up."

Bin Laden defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I cannot compete with the private sector?"

Talks broke down this morning after management’s last ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme which was rejected outright after a failure to agree on allocation quotas. Certain virgins sign up to be available in the Afterlife to accommodate the honored suicide bombers. One virgin who refused to be named was quoted as saying "I will be compromised if I am agreeing to anything like that…. It is just too much to swallow."

Unless some sort of agreement is reached, suicide bombers will stop the explosives shortly.

The entire Australian continent stated that this situation would not affect their operations because there are no virgins in that area anyway.

Late news: Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Susan Boyle – and now that bombers know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen to go to Paradise.

For KSCO, this is Kay Zwerling.

© copyright 2010

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