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Kay's Commentary 2008-08-22

Download File The following is a KSCO commentary. Here is Kay Zwerling: This little gem is called World History 101. I do not know where this came from, but it is funny, and worth a few belly laughs, so don?t anyone get mad. It’s only fun. For those of you who slept through World History 101, here is a condensed version: Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.The two most important events in all of history were:1. The invention of beer, and2. The invention of the wheel.The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:1. Liberals2. Conservatives.Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are liberals.Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and are big-game hunters, cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, golfers, and generally anyone who works productively. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. About the rest of us who are moderates, we can go one way or the other. Here ends today’s lesson in World History 101.For KSCO and KOMY, this is Kay Zwerling. Copyright 2008

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